Brand Goldfish

By admin 　http://www.dworin.com/brand-goldfish/

Awesome Adventures In Laptop Buying

I was tidying up the shed yesterday when I made an amazing and important find. Inside a wooden crate, under a mouldy stack of Mojo magazines, I found a mysterious manuscript bound with a simple piece of soldering wire and a few staples for good measure.

As I delicately unfolded the yellowing reams I made a brief scan of the Times New Roman text and realised something truly incredible – what I was holding in my hands was from the days of web 1.0! Dumbstruck with awe I carefully attempted to read the full script, but without the reassuring backlight of my Apple iPad the task was unbearably difficult.

With the help of a team of tramps I employ I have now successfully analysed the document and can reveal that it dates as far back as maybe 2009 and is the diary of a typical 21st Century member of the proletariat, detailing his adventures as he attempts to investigate a decent laptop. Working round the clock I have successfully transcribed the fascinating account onto my netbook and here, exclusively, I can bring you an exciting extract from this previously hidden treasure:

Monday, Friday, January 18, 2008

Today is probably the unluckiest day of my life considering how dreadful it’s been. Went to work in the cold and rain, came home in the dark and rain. As I was crossing Albert Bridge I thought I saw a crazed parking warden wielding a sharpened bassoon looming towards me through the mist. As I ran for my life I tripped over a swan nest and my laptop went flying over the side into the bubbling Thames water. Lying in the road, having just thrown two-year’s worth of work to a watery grave, I looked up to see my would-be assailant was merely a old lady in a cape carrying a complete collection of 1950s gravy packaging.

When I got home we were out of bread, must remember to buy some. Guess I’m going to have to spend my weekend looking for a new laptop then. At least I am a millionaire.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

I was all set to leave the house and embark on a spot of laptop shopping this morning and was just studying the atlas to find the best way to my local electronics store (I may have walked it thousands of times, but you can never be sure) when I noticed a spelling error in the labelling of nearby Penomenomesophylcapple Row. Well, you can imagine my shock. I immediately concluded that is was my duty to assess the entire A to Z in search of inaccuracies, document them and send a helpful note to the publishers. At 2am I finished my task and returned to bed, there were only three mistakes, including the missing dot from an i in Little Littling Street, but I think the public will be eminently thankful for this correction.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Came very close to buying a new laptop today, I made it to the High Street and everything. Unfortunately by that time I was bleeding quite furiously from the bites round my shins from the tiger I’d annoyed when I accidentally stood on it’s whiskers whilst hiding in the undergrowth from a particularly aggressive park warden. Also, the shop was closed. Went back to bed after a brief visit to the hospital.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Went online and bought a laptop, LCD TV and extra laptop memory from Ebuyer.

An extraordinary tale, I think you’ll agree. I’m heading to a museum now which has expressed interest in the document as part of an exhibition on life before web two point oh.

Kina Grannis at Lucky Brand Jeans – The goldfish song